


All I Want

by DirtyHand



Series: McReyes week 2016 [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Coping, Cuddles, Domestic, Fluff, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, McReaper, Memories, Redeemed Reaper, its there i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 20:50:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8637616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyHand/pseuds/DirtyHand
Summary: It's not that easy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> McReyes Week Day1: Domestic.  
> This is the first time I wrote something that is not a smut drabble, so this means something to me.  
> The song to go with it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4povfmX144
> 
> A wonderful soul decided to make a podfic and it can be found here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8637616  
> All I can say is, she gives it life. Thank you Kess.

 

 _There’s no going back, they know, and they don’t pretend they can.  
_ _They’ve lost too much.  Lost the past, lost the future.  But at least they have this now._

 

⥥

 

The window is open.  The moon shines through, heaven extending a hand into the depths of his melancholy.  Gentle, serene, but he doesn’t reach out, respecting his distance.  Long has he learned that light isn’t his ally, and it is in the embracing, unjudging shadows that he hides his scars and holds close his love.

 

The cowboy sleeps like how he remembers: all his masks, edges and charm dissolving like shedding armor.  This Jesse had always belonged to him, the wild beast tame and endearing.  Not the dangerous vigilante Gabriel trained him to become, but the timid kid he pulled out of the crumbling canyon.  For whom he fought men and demons alike to keep safe.  He never thought the ingrate would do the same for him.  

 

Jesse turns, seeking his presence.  Gabriel rests a hand on brown hair, and Jesse dreams.  Unexpected warmth surges in his chest, little glows of faint golden light like amber kindling in the dark, and the moments of time buried play before him like sepia frames-  

 

_An accusing stare, thrashing limbs, his name a broken scream._

_A midnight knock, trembling hands, haunted eyes. A rare smile.  Unrelenting. Mischievous. Solitary._

_Peacekeeper’s bang, a scruffy chin. Firm hands on black armor._

_Gun smoke_ _, rotten flesh. Splatter of blood, droplets of rain._

_Sterile air, cold metal palm. Brown hair, familiar tobacco._

_Risky kiss, afternoon storm.  Bare skin, whispered names._

_Red serape, honey whiskey._

_Empty room. Abandoned badge. Panicked steps.  Hollow in his chest._ **_Lo sie-_**  

 

He squeezes his eyes shut, digging fingernails into his thigh.  He hears Jesse’s breathing, latches onto the rhythm, draws himself out of the whirlpool.

 

They can’t afford to reminisce.  Their past is as scorched as the Geneva headquarters.  It serves no purpose, but Gabriel can never, will never forget that moment; it belonged to Reaper, but it plays in his mind with disgusting detail.  He had stood afar and watched it burn.  Watched the flames consume iron and flesh, and took with it all their _could-be_ s and _what-if_ s, the blaze of his farewell. The black smoke of their future rose steadily in the wind, unmistakable and unstoppable, and they dissipated to join the clouds hanging thundering in the dark sky and it rained and rained and rained and when the flames died, there was nothing left to call his, except the tombstone with his name engraved in block.

 

Like Jack, he doesn’t pretend it didn't happen.  Doesn’t pretend he could act as if it was all okay, as if he could one day swallow it all and put it behind him.  He doesn’t want to.  He holds these memories as close as he holds Jesse, all their sharp pains and dull aches.  He hides them in a drawer in his mind and during times like now - Jesse pressed against him, drooling silently by his side with his vulnerable back exposed, all pale scars on tanned skin - he takes them out, rolls them in his palm: observing, savoring, tracing the edges. Checking if they’ve faded.  

 

He lost them once.  He will never lose them again.  They hurt when they surface, laden with the sweet caress of what they had and the bitter stab of what they lost.  But the pain is real. It anchors him, reminds him of who he is.  Like the man sleeping in his arms.  Solid.  Tangible.

 

Jesse murmurs in his sleep, shuffles towards him, and drapes a metal arm across his waist. Hugs him tighter.  A comforting weight to pin Gabriel to the present.  He turns slightly, touching their foreheads together, and holds him close.  He breathes in Jesse’s scent, the tobacco in his hair the same as his.  His hand finds Jesse’s, unspoken gratitude in a tiny, tiny squeeze.  Jesse snores.   

 

Gabriel tries to sleep.

 

* * *

  
_Gabriel is kissing him.  Finally._

 

  _Jesse kisses back, relishing the passion reverberating between them.  Different frequencies, same sound.  Gabe draws him in close, cupping his cheek as the kiss deepens with fervor.  No escape.  There’s no escape from this.  He rubs off his beanie in protest, huffing a breath and claws his fingers in Gabe’s hair.  A hand snakes down his back, calloused finger tracing circles in the sensual dip of his back.  Someone is whispering his name, chanting it, singing it, and Jesse soars with the melody.  He puts a hand on his chest, overwhelmed by the warmth radiating against his palm, the thundering heartbeat beneath the skin.  “You’re alive…” Jesse whispers against the hollow of Gabe’s throat.  Gabe enters him, and Jesse gasps at the edge where pain and pleasure blurs, disoriented, tumbling, washed ashore. His claws close around Jesse’s throat, and when Jesse looks up he sees red eyes and tears and a trembling lip.  “Why did you leave?”_

 

Jesse opens his eyes.  Peacekeeper is there, under his pillow. He sighs, reaches out. Reyes is not there. He double-checks with his flesh hand, and finds the sheets still warm. His gaze lingers on the other pillow, a slight permanent dip where Gabriel slept.  He wants to smoke.  He opens Gabriel’s drawer and pulls out a packet, throwing on his serape as he walks to the balcony.  

 

He took one, finished it, and lit a second.  Took a drag, and stuffed it in the ashtray next to the railing.  The thin trail of smoke rises, curling upon itself and vanishes.  He drags his feet back into the room, and drops face down back on the bed.  Gabriel’s side is cold.  He nuzzles the pillow, hands snaking under it as he hides into the dip of his scent. His heart still thumps loud and hard. He pulls on Gabriel’s sweatpants, and leaves the room.  

 

As his bare feet treads down the hallway, he hears sizzling, the opening and closing of cupboards and drawers.  The smell of bacon, butter, pancakes, marmalade.  His recipe, all things home. He finds Gabriel in the kitchen, fumbling with the coffeemaker.  He crosses the space in three strides, coming up behind him, and pulls him into his arms.  

 

Gabriel is not startled when the familiar frame presses against him. He smells the tobacco in Jesse’s breath, and he waits, pouring coffee into their mugs.  Jesse rests his forehead on Gabriel’s shoulders, hiding his face, gulping down the sudden lump in his throat.  “Lo siento _,_ ” he whispers.

 

Gabriel freezes, and starts to turn - _to kiss him, to hug him, to tell him it’s okay_ \-  but is stopped by a painful squeeze on his hips, insistent.  “Jesse...”

 

Jesse shakes his head, and hugs him in tighter.  Finding solace in the solid curve of his back, warmth of his body, beat of his heart. “ _Lo siento._ ”

 

He doesn’t think about what they used to be.  He doesn't think about what they could be.  He doesn't think about what they will be.  It felt weird to kiss Gabriel again.  But he did.  So here they are now.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes its not that easy to let go. Sometimes its not that easy to cope. But sometimes you just need to look around, and you'll see those little glows, and perhaps they are just enough to get you through the day. 
> 
> *Lo Siento = I'm Sorry. 
> 
> Hugs and kisses to Kess, Winter, TopDad, for beta and read-through. Thanks Vita and the McReyes Discord because otherwise this will not have happened. <3


End file.
